TURNBACK TUESDAY#8 No fear
Today let me ask you... what are you afraid of? I think our fears tell a whole lot about the kinds of people that we are. What we fear speaks volumes about the things we are and are not willing to sacrifice for others, for ourselves and for the sake of circumstances. As for me, I'm afraid of so many things but I'd love to think that I'm the type of person who chooses courage over cowardice. I sometimes take a while to stand up from my seat and charge, but I'd love to think that I do march forward.
I'm saying all that because right now, I'm afraid.
|Like this post if you like my EMO shot -- and my NEON PINK nails.|
(Photo above and below was taken at New Dormitory, University of the Philippines Los Banos Laguna)
I'm a very forgetful person but that doesn't mean it becomes impossible for me to remember things here and there. In fact, my forgetfulness makes the rush of memories weigh heavier than it should. Guilt factors in... and consequences too.
Whenever I feel like being followed by the shadows, what I do is re-evaluate. When I was younger, I was a very controlling person, not necessarily of other people, but definitely of myself. I was competitive, and I liked it. I was manipulative, and I liked it. But now, I try to be... graceful. I've been trying to be graceful for so many years, truth be told. Ever since S asked me to be gracious, I got scarred. In a way, maybe you can look at who I am now as a product of that conversation--who knows? But the important thing is, I like who I have become now. I've always known that I'm a good person. Surely, I have my impulses and I have my harsh words and harsh thoughts just waiting to jump out of my pocket; but I'm a good person. At the end of the day, I always try to do what's good--than what's right or wrong.
So whenever I'm afraid of something (or someone), I try to re-evaluate. Unlike before, where I calculate the risks to map out my gameplan, now I just re-evaluate myself. What am I doing? Why am I doing so?
I find that knowing my purpose helps me understand my actions. Sometimes, I don't like my decisions but being sure of who you are as a person helps. It helps you avoid that sickening feeling of regret. I don't regret anything right now. My mistakes, they robbed me off a whole lot of worlds I still wish I could enjoy. My mistakes, they block me off chances that I wish would be offered me--or at least available to me if I work hard enough. But these very mistakes brought me closer to the blessings that I eventually enjoyed, and shared. I don't regret anything, and I'd love to think I'm afraid because I'm at that eternal state of grace where after my storm, I would calm down, trust my person, and tell me "Hey, be gracious."
I'm typing this blog entry in advance... it's 6:30 in the morning (Oct. 18?) and I've been up since 4AM. I'm so afraid of what's to come. This year... this year took a lot from me. In rapid succession, my ship fell off course and went into a whirlpool of changes. In rapid succession, the things that I thought will not be taken from me, took off. Technically, they weren't taken away cause like I said they took off. I lost so many things beginning summer this year and as November re-opens the possibility of happiness, I am afraid.
I am afraid to lose my momentum. I'm but a person trying to be strong and steadfast. I feel woozy most of the time, but I carry on not only because I have to; but also, because I want to. I owe it to myself to be a pillar of strength for the ones I love and care for. The future is always going to be gray and bright simultaneously. I imagine it to be that rain cloud and that silver lining. Sure, some people would seem to have it all--have it all easy, even; but I have grown to be the person who respects the difference of our experiences as people. So I'm thankful to be my own unique hodge-podge of weight and words. I'm thankful you're that bowl of darkness and light.
I'm grateful that my world fell apart.
I'm grateful I can rebuild.
(Photo below was taken during the same night. Was with my first ever college friend @thessuh-left; and my beloved partner in crime @erikahenri-right)
These are the days that make us. These are the days we'd remember.